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TNG: Season One: Episode 26 – Picard’s Dream

October 25, 2013

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Episode summary:

…the opening voiceover reminds us that something exciting happened in the previous episode, the shit with the Romulans returning and telling everyone about it, and then we zoom in on the Enterprise flying through space at Warp nine and onto the bridge where…

…Picard is sitting in the Captain’s chair reading Borges ‘fictions’ while everyone else sits around doing nothing and a minute or so passes until finally Riker asks him what he’s doing and Picard looks up from the book, checks the bridge for academics or book critics, sees none, smirks then quotes  a famous Borges line back at him but Riker doesn’t know what he’s talking about so Picard tuts like Sean Connery in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and lectures Riker on Borges and fake realities and then in the background the turbolift makes a whooshing sound and Troi comes onto the bridge in her miniskirt and sits in her little chair and looks at them both until Riker mouths Borges to her and Picard turns, notices the ship’s prostitute and repeats the earlier quote and the ship’s prost-…and Troi looks at him like he’s a guest star so Picard has no choice but to stand up and lecture the whole bridge on the genius of Borges and how no one knew he was a genius for five minutes back in the twentieth century but then he was published and everyone said he was great and other writers read his stuff and said hey, I can write wacky dream shit too, and they did and eventually we got writers like Burroughs, says Picard to Worf and Worf doesn’t know what to say so he pretends to understand but Picard sees through him and says, fuck’s sake, to the whole bridge, even the janitor, and then wanders off towards the turbolift, telling Riker to drive the fucking ship until season 2…

OPENING CREDITS

…we come back from the opening credits and realise fifteen minutes have already gone, but that’s okay, this is the finale of a bad season and anyone still watching will forgive anything at this point, so…

…we zoom in on the ship until we’re in Picard’s quarters, or his bedroom to be precise, and once again, he’s reading a book, but this time it’s called ‘Demonika’ and has a drawing of a Barbarella type woman on the cover, her tits spilling out of her dress and into Picard’s brain, and he lies there, flicking through the pages, practising his French when suddenly, in the corner of the room Q appears and warns him of the episode with the Irish gypsies in season 2, but Picard swats him away saying, that’s season 2, I don’t care, and then goes back to his book and waits for the transition to…

…Picard sleeping with the book on his chest, out like a light, and the camera steadily approaches his face until a another transition takes us directly into his brain and we see Picard in jeans and t-shirt on the set of a science fiction drama, surrounded by lesser actors and Americans and we realise that this is a dream episode and in this episode nothing important will happen and no one will die and really the whole thing can be reduced to…

Picard dreams he is a 20th Century British actor stuck on an American TV show about a star ship captain who believes he is a 20th century British actor stuck on an American TV show about a star ship captain who has visions of an alien entity who lives inside a British actor on an American TV show about a star ship captain who spends half his time in the 20th century on an American TV show where he is a British actor playing a star ship captain who must stop his crew from becoming British actors on an American TV show by travelling back in time to the 20th century and building a star ship captain from props used on an American TV show about a British actor pretending to be a star ship captain who doesn’t realise that he is actually the 20th century on a TV show shown in America which is on the verge of being taken over by star ship captains who claim all reality is really an American TV show made by British actors who refuse to play star ship captains. Picard spends the episode trying to open the window in his quarters.

…we cut all the bullshit and skip right to the end, where Picard is back on the bridge, reading Borges and warning Riker about the dangers of digging up old shit on Psykron 5, and Troi is sitting there like a shop dummy and Data is sitting on the chair at the front pressing buttons he neither likes nor comprehends, and Worf is standing for the thirteenth hour straight, looking at the viewscreen, hoping something, anything will decloak and fire something at them because, Jesus Krist, this season is bad and if only they had heard of Ronald D Moore before they started this damn thing…

ALMOST DONE

…the end tag is a close up of Riker, sweating, making noise, possibly fucking an ensign in his quarters. We zoom out and see he’s actually in the observation lounge and he’s shirtless and very hairy and, yes, he’s fucking an ensign. There’s a cushion in front of her muff so we don’t see too much, but there are tits, which is odd for Star Trek. Riker gets the final line of season one while slapping Teri Hatcher’s ass: ‘Can I call you Borges?’

* This episode never aired due to the plot being too ‘intellectual’.

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