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Star Trek TNG: Alternate Season 5

July 12, 2012


The ship wasn’t the same without Worf.
The crew sat silently on the bridge in the same old chairs, with the same old expressions from last season. Picard, Riker, Troi, Data…some ensign at the front, another ensign by the console at the back.
The place where Worf used to stand.
Picard turned round and stared at the ensign he was supposed to rely on for strategy. It was just a kid. A boy.
‘Ensign, anything on long range sensors…’
‘Yes, Captain.’ The Ensign squinted, seemingly unsure of what he was seeing. ‘A lot of green ships…Klingons…attacking each other, blowing up etc.’
Picard looked at Riker. Riker looked at Picard. Picard looked at Troi. Troi looked at Picard. Picard looked back at Riker and Riker looked back at Picard. Troi looked at both of them.
They’d been doing this a lot the last three months. It wasn’t the most interesting thing in the galaxy, but it passed the time.
‘It seems really exciting, Sir,’ added the Ensign, still reading the sensors.
Riker leaned in close to Picard. ‘Should we join in, Captain?’
Picard stared at the blank view-screen ahead of them then shook his head. ‘No, Number One. Worf’s gone and we must learn to accept it.’
‘Understood, Sir.’
Riker slouched into his seat, getting ready for his mid-shift nap, but this time he didn’t get the chance. Picard leaned across and dragged him back towards the Captain’s chair.
‘Wait…I have an idea.’
‘An idea, Sir?’
‘Yes, Number One.’
‘Something exciting?’
‘Oh yes!’
Picard called Starfleet and arranged for three-hundred ships to hang out on the edge of the Neutral Zone. The plan was simple: All crew from all ships would beam to a different ship and have sex with as many of that ship’s crew as they could. Then, four hours later, everyone would beam to a different ship and do the same thing all over again. And after another four hours, they’d do it again. And again. And again.
‘Do you think Starfleet Command will go for it, Captain?’ asked Riker, slipping into his blue sex gown.
‘Hard to say, Number One. But they can’t deny morale is low.’
Riker nodded, distracted by a list of female crew members from the Intrepid coming up on the screen behind the Captain.
‘If this plan works…’
‘I know,’ said Riker, interrupting. ‘We can get away with that language episode next week.’
Picard glanced over at the chair Worf sometimes used to sit in. The one near the back where no-one could see or hear him. Not that they needed to. All he ever said was ‘Attack!’
‘Who would’ve thought a Klingon would be missed so badly…’ said Riker, following the Captain’s gaze.
‘We better make sure we don’t lose Data too. Then we’d be truly fucked.’
Picard stood up and turned off the screen.
‘Agreed, Number One.’
‘Tits and ass, Captain. That’s the only way out of this.’
‘And we shall deliver.’
The crew of the Intrepid beamed over to the Enterprise and swarmed into Ten Forward, looking for sex. There were only four hours and they’d been ordered by the Captain to have sex with at least one person each, so they’d have to move fast.
Riker sat by the bar, scanning the room for loose women. As First Officer, he’d have to set an example.
‘Hey there, Ensign,’ he said, creeping up on the prettiest woman in the room. ‘What do you think of my blue gown?’
‘Nice,’ she said.
‘Good.’ Riker flashed teeth. ‘It’s blue.’
‘I know.’
‘I know too.’
Riker couldn’t think of anything else to say so he flashed his teeth again.
Two minutes later, it was done.
The ensign put her uniform back on and asked if there was any procedure they had to follow post-sex. Some kind of small talk or back story or something.
‘No, Ensign. Just smash and grab.’
‘Well…okay.’ The Ensign did up her buttons and put her hair into a bun. ‘It just feels a bit weird, that’s all.’ She paused, a tear forming in the corner of her eye. ‘You know, that was my first time. It’s stupid I know, but I always wanted my first time to be with someone who really understood me…someone who’d want to be with me longer than forty-five minutes…someone who…’
The ensign turned to see if any of this was getting through, but Riker wasn’t there.
The ensign searched the room for him. Maybe he was buying her a drink. Maybe it had meant something to him and he was ju-…
She found him.
He was by the bar, but he wasn’t buying her a drink. No, he and the android were double-teaming the Vulcan science officer from the Intrepid.
The ensign wiped the tear from her eye. She knew they were only following the Captain’s orders, but it didn’t matter.
It still hurt.
Thirteen hours, three crew rotations and Caligula-esque levels of sex later, the plan was put on hold.
‘Bridge crew report to the…err…bridge…immediately!’ said Picard, sitting on the Captain’s chair. It looked like he’d been sitting on that chair for the last half day, evading sex, but that wasn’t the truth of things. In fact, Picard had got his share out of the way in the first ten minutes. He’d walked into Transporter Room One, ushered Chief O Brian out with a stick, beamed over the first six crew members, sent the three men to Ten Forward then moved in on the women. He did feel a little cheap doing it, but he’d convinced himself it was the right thing to do.
Where the Captain leads, others will follow…
And what choice did they have anyway? If they weren’t going to send any cameras to cover Worf’s half of the episode then they had to do something interesting here…and what was more interesting than sex?
The Bridge crew took their places. Riker was still wearing his blue sex gown, Troi’s hair was a mess and Data had ripped the sleeves off his jumper.
‘Data…scan the Romulan warbird,’ said Picard.
‘Yes, Captain.’ Data scanned. ‘It seems to be green.’ He paused. ‘Wait, the warbird is turning and flying away…it has gone to warp.’
Riker stood up, clapped his hands together and said, ‘Crisis over. Back to Ten Forward.’
‘Hold on, Number One,’ said Picard, putting a hand out to stop him. ‘I think we’ve had our fill.’
‘But Sir…’ Riker looked at Troi for back up, but she was shaking her head. Riker sat back down and folded his arms.
‘Patience, Number One. There’ll be others later in the season.’
‘Yeah, a hermaphrodite. Can’t wait.’
Picard put his hand on Will’s shoulder. ‘It’s an important episode, Will. Someone’s got to do it.’
‘Yeah, I guess…’
‘At least you don’t get stuck in a turbolift with a bunch of little shits…’
Riker raised an eyebrow.
‘Child actors, Captain?’
Riker frowned. ‘I had no idea.’
‘Precisely, Number One.’
The turbolift doors opened and Worf came back in, asking Picard for permission to resume his duties.
‘Welcome back Mr Worf! You were out, and we dragged you back in…’
Data turned round, still sleeveless. ‘Actually, Captain, that is incorrect. The lieutenant was never out, as you call it. He was simply unfilmed for half an episode, which in effect, is the same as any other episode.’
Picard ignored Data and told the random ensign to get them out of there.
‘Where to, Sir?’
‘The language episode. Warp Five. Engage.’
The ship zoomed off to the Children of Tama. Riker left his chair and walked up to Worf, hitting him on the arm and then resting his chin on the Klingon’s shoulder.
‘We missed you, big guy…’
Worf pushed Riker’s chin away and asked what had happened while he was gone.
‘Nothing much. Bit of sex.’
Worf shook his head, annoyed. ‘Of course, I won’t get any for the entire season. Not unless another Klingon turns up.’
‘Wait, you mean you didn’t get any the last three months?’
‘No, Commander. All of my scenes were with Gowron or my brother, Kurn.’
Worf’s badge made a noise. It was Geordi.
‘What is it, Commander?’ asked Worf.
‘I just thought I’d let you guys know. No action for four seasons, no action on the horizon either. So quit bitching.’
‘I thought you got with that ensign from engineering?’
‘Dead end, Commander. We went to the arboretum but the cameras didn’t follow. Apparently, it was more important to film some dude turning into a ball of light.’
‘Sorry, Geordi. That must’ve hurt,’ said Riker. ‘Maybe next season, huh?’
‘Not likely, Sir. I’m black, I’m blind, I’m joined at the fucking hip with Data. I mean, seriously, it’s not easy down here, guys. Do you have any idea the number of times I see a new, nice-looking ensign and-…’
Riker looked at Worf, both of them thinking of ways to hang up.
‘Listen, Geordi, we gotta go. There’s a big nebula…it looks pretty scary…’
‘The nebula has fired photon torpedoes,’ added Worf.
‘We’ll talk later, okay?’ asked Riker.
Geordi said ‘sure, I get it’ and hung up.
One week later, the Children of Tama turned up.
‘Gates of Mama, river of sleet,’ said the alien captain. ‘Dalai Lama and Eric Bana on the island…taka, taka, taka.’
‘What the fu-…’ said Picard, looking at Troi then Data for some kind of translation. The android was the first to oblige.
‘Sir, the Children of Tama are using a language based on metaphors and figurative associations. We have no way of understanding it as we do not know their mythologies. It is also curious that a race would be so utterly short-sighted as to maintain a language that could only prove to be isolating when encountering another species in Space.’
Picard nodded and asked for opinions.
‘I say attack,’ said Worf.
‘I admire your single-mindedness, Lieutenant, but those guys look pretty tough.’ Picard turned to his left. ‘Counsellor?’
‘I sense exactly what you can see on their faces, Captain,’ said Troi.
‘Thank you, Counsellor.’ Picard looked around the bridge. ‘Anyone else?’
‘Captain,’ said Data, ‘It might be prudent for you to beam down to the planet, fuck around for half an hour then suddenly understand their language and save us all from destruction.’
Picard thought it over. The alien Captain looked like a decent guy, but it was too hard to understand him. Damn it, he wasn’t an ESL teacher, he didn’t know anything about linguistics. It would just be hard work.
‘No, I think I…shall not do that,’ he said, finally.
Riker tapped him on the shoulder. ‘Run away, Sir?’
‘I’m not sure, Number One.’
Picard looked at the alien captain on the view-screen. Shit, the guy was pulling out a knife…no, two knives.
‘Ensign, get us out of here!’
‘Where to, Captain?’
‘Anywhere. Warp Five. Engage!’
The Enterprise warped off and left the Children of Tama behind. The alien captain hadn’t noticed Picard et al disappearing from his screen, and had proceeded to beam himself down to the planet’s surface.
He materialised alone, surrounded by what looked like California.
Ten minutes later, the invisible monster came.
‘When the walls fell…’

[To be ended in Part 2…]

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